[ Dimitri sucks in a slow and careful breath. He stares down at Byleth.
He wants to flee.
He wants to disappear.
He wants to be anywhere but here.
Instead, he leans in to the touch of Byleth's fingers. It's so gentle, so sweet, it lures him in. Dimitri breathes slowly. He wants to stay just here. ]
I still think you are mistaken. [ Dimitri says with a soft breath. He knows that he is wrong, wishes for something that would allow him to flee. ] But thank you for coming here. Thank you for finding me.
[ He wants so desperately to kiss Dimitri. On some level, he is also certain that Dimitri might, in his heart of hearts, want to kiss him, too.
But to foist that kind of affection upon him now, when he still seems loath to accept it — it wouldn't be right. It isn't to be. The most that Byleth can do is stroke a careful thumb along Dimitri's bottom lip — an indulgence neither of them can afford — and continue staring too-lovingly into that single blue eye.
He knows he ought to pull away. But just a moment, just a moment longer, can't he linger — ? ]
Thank you. For still being here. For me.
[ All disjointed thoughts, all a little bit connected but a little bit separate, too. Thank you. For everything. For being here — because he knows, he does know, that Dimitri has surely spent many nights not wanting to be anywhere at all. For me — that is a private selfishness. ]
If there ever comes a day that you can accept the way that I have loved you...
[ Dimitri says with a slight shrug. And certainly there is nowhere else he'd rather be. He still hasn't understood if this is a dream, or nightmare. It feels like both.
He runs his hands down Byleth's back, tugging the other man close to him. He feels a desperate, ignorant, ache, somewhere deep inside him.
He's crying-- shouldn't he be crying? ]
You said you loved me. [ Dimitri isn't sure about the tears that mark his cheeks. He is sure about the way he leans down to kiss Byleth. ] I cannot survive another moment without you. .
[ Yes. Perhaps he isn't sure. But the crush of Dimitri's lips over his own is so exhilarating, all the same. Byleth leans into it, desperate; he needs this, has needed this as badly as Dimitri has needed his touch. He wants the large hand over his back to crush him still closer. Hold him even tighter.
Despite the nighttime chill, his lips are still so warm. ]
I do love you, Dimitri. I do. Don't cry...
[ The kiss would be perfect save that Dimitri's tears roll down his cheeks, and then Byleth's cheeks are wet, too. He softens slightly as he feels the moisture, but instead of wiping his own face, he wipes Dimitri's, the warm touch of his thumbs wicking away all saline. ]
I know. I know. Things have been so hard. But I promise I will be here for you always from now on. I promise.
[ Dimitri clings to him like a dying man, his singular point of life in a drowning sea. He doesn't deserve this, he knows he doesn't deserve this-- and yet, if Byleth says he does then perhaps it might be true.
He buries his face into Byleth's shoulder, trying to collect himself. He was dignified once. Held himself with pride once. ]
Forgive me. [ Dimitri says softly. ] I forget myself.
[ He is so far from who he used to be. But Byleth makes him think he can be that man again. Maybe. Dimitri inhales a shuddering breath, forces himself to stand upright. ]
I am happy to see you, is what I should have said.
[ Instead of kissing you, instead of loving you, he doesn't add.
[ Byleth silences every concern by leaning up to kiss Dimitri again.
Does he deserve this? Does it matter, truly, what he does or doesn't deserve? Byleth is the one who wants to kiss him. Byleth is the one who wants to hold him. If Dimitri is clinging to him, Byleth is clinging in return.
The warmth of their lips, the heat from his skin. The smell of his hair. All such things that Byleth would die for, if fate were cruel enough to demand that he die for it. ]
I need you. There is nothing to forgive.
[ He slips his fingers into Dimitri's hair, caressing the crown of his head, the nape of his neck. His desire is so palpable. ]
You don't have to say anything to me but what you wish to say.
[ Dimitri takes a deep breath. In, out. He tries to pause and feel it move throughout him, from the tips of fingers all the way down to his toes. He needs to relax. He knows this. And more than needing to, he wants to. Breathe, please. Be in this moment. Live in it. Feel it.
He relaxes visibly, his body loosening, his ability to appreciate Byleth increasing with every moment. He no longer feels desperate. Dimitri loosens his grasp on Byleth's clothing, though he doesn't let go entirely.
Stay with me, he thinks, his fingers lightly grasping at the fabric. ]
I feel as though I have dreamed of this. [ He says with a slow exhale. ] I've dreamed of you. And now you're here.
[ He smiles. It's small, so small, but it's real. ]
[ Byleth is not a fool. He does not think himself a true goddess. He imagines that this may not be a moment of true healing; that his love may not be enough to make Dimitri well again; that Dimitri may be haunted by other memories and nightmares in the future; that this may just be a passing moment for the two of them. Some things are like that: fleeting and evanescent as the wind.
But the moment is enough for him, for now. If Dimitri's hands beg him to stay, then he will stay. If Dimitri can relax for even a moment, he's done his duty. He watches the tension ease out of his beautiful prince in slow increments, listens to his deep breaths, feels the loosening of his fingers. He caresses Dimitri's scalp again, fingers running indulgently through his wild mane, kisses his lips again. For all that they have been through, Dimitri's lips still feel soft against his own. ]
I am here. Real and true. And I will never leave you again, Dimitri, I swear it.
[ That smile. That beautiful little smile. For a moment, Byleth sees the young man again, the soft and sweet-eyed prince who had always hung onto his every word. He loved that Dimitri, too. ]
Would you like to sit down on one of the pews, my prince? Would you like to eat something? Or shall I simply continue holding you like this?
[ Dimitri takes a moment just for himself. Just to soak in how happy he feels. He strokes the back of his hand down Byleth's cheek, feels the warmth of the blood beneath his skin.
Love, he thinks, as his heart thunders beneath his chest. I love you, and all he worlds might try to tear us apart but---
But I love you. ]
Stop, please. [ He says softly, tugging Byleth close to him. ] I cannot bare your pretending, I need to have you.
[ A smile tugs at the corner of Byleth's lips, but he doesn't pull away. He continues to let Dimitri cling to him. He smooths the prince's blond hair back, tucks some of it neatly behind his ears.
Then he presses a kiss to Dimitri's neck. More heated this time, more desire in it. ]
...I see. Pretending, am I? [ Kissing, so sweetly, up towards Dimitri's ear. Feather-light, sweet enough to make him shiver. ] Then how will you have me?
[ Dimitri needs to collect himself. He knows this. He briefly recalls the fresh faced boy he once was, alight with optimism. Had he ever truly been that way? It's difficult to recall. Dimitri leans closer, lets his breath ghost against Byleth, the man that, incomparably, loves him.
It settles something inside him. Byleth is here, and so am I. ]
Forgive me. [ Dimitri says softly. Byleth's lips find the skin behind his ear, and he shudders. Please, he wants to say. Please never stop. ] I so easily forget myself... these days.
[ There was once a time he knew exactly who he was. Why does that feel so far away? ]
[ Back to the soft, contrite, mounrful prince again, is he?
And yet, Byleth suspects that Dimitri's desire to claim him was real — more real than this soft, obedient shuddering. So he coaxes the collar of Dimitri's shirt open (Sylvain collected his armor for maintenance earlier in the evening). He litters more of Dimitri's neck with kisses. Coyly reaches in and undoes just one of those buttons, and kisses him still lower, along his collarbones. ]
And have you forgotten yourself now?
[ It is a question that he does not expect any particular answer to. Dimitri's neck is warm despite the night air. Byleth lingers near it, reaching up with his hand to stroke the delicate skin over Dimitri's throat.
He is still being very careful. Not rushing a thing. No sudden movements. He can't risk startling the beautiful wild creature that his Dimitri has become. ]
[ Again with this talk of what Byleth does or does not deserve...
The professor shakes his head. ]
But you are the man that I desire. You have always been the only man that I've desired.
[ He wants to keep kissing down Dimitri's neck, but it's hard to read the man's responses when he is so emotionally unmoored, and Byleth is not the sort of man to keep pressing when his lover's thoughts seem elsewhere. His fingers still over Dimitri's throat as he pulls back to look into his prince's blue eye. ]
Dimitri. Do you want me to keep going? [ A patient caress. ] I need to hear this from you.
[ Dimitri closes his eyes, unable to meet Byleth's gaze. Or, it's not that he can't but-- he just needs a moment. No one has been able to bring him to stillness in this way, and Dimitri revels in it. He can feel his own heartbeat, the thrum of life beneath his own skin.
Perhaps he is not a monster. Perhaps he is still a man.
Dimitri places a hand over Byleth's on his throat, taking in a slow breath. ]
I do. [ He says, his voice a hoarse whisper. ] It has been so long since I have felt even half myself-- but I do, now.
[ Byleth watches Dimitri for another few moments. Long enough to be certain that Dimitri is certain.
Then he reaches out, kisses Dimitri chastely one more time, and takes his prince by the hand. ]
Alright. Come with me.
[ It is possible that Dimitri will forget himself again in the future. That the confidence that he seems to have tonight will be unfounded when the daylight comes. That Byleth will wake in the morning to find his prince consumed by nightmares and rage once again. He knows all of this, but he has resolved to love Dimitri anyway. It is a terrible thing, to be so deeply and viscerally in love with a man in the throes of madness.
As tempting it would be to make love to Dimitri out in the open, beneath the starry skies above the cathedral... it isn't the most practical thing. It is public. It is exposed. It is cold. Just to the side, however, there are some quarters where the cardinals and priests used to dwell. Byleth picks one at random — it hardly matters which, they have all lain unused for years now — and takes Dimitri into it. ]
In here.
[ A bed, four walls, a dresser. A priest's simple furniture. They should both know what they each want by now, and why they are both here.
Byleth lets go of Dimitri's hand just to kiss him on the neck one more time. ]
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no subject
He wants to flee.
He wants to disappear.
He wants to be anywhere but here.
Instead, he leans in to the touch of Byleth's fingers. It's so gentle, so sweet, it lures him in. Dimitri breathes slowly. He wants to stay just here. ]
I still think you are mistaken. [ Dimitri says with a soft breath. He knows that he is wrong, wishes for something that would allow him to flee. ] But thank you for coming here. Thank you for finding me.
no subject
But to foist that kind of affection upon him now, when he still seems loath to accept it — it wouldn't be right. It isn't to be. The most that Byleth can do is stroke a careful thumb along Dimitri's bottom lip — an indulgence neither of them can afford — and continue staring too-lovingly into that single blue eye.
He knows he ought to pull away. But just a moment, just a moment longer, can't he linger — ? ]
Thank you. For still being here. For me.
[ All disjointed thoughts, all a little bit connected but a little bit separate, too. Thank you. For everything. For being here — because he knows, he does know, that Dimitri has surely spent many nights not wanting to be anywhere at all. For me — that is a private selfishness. ]
If there ever comes a day that you can accept the way that I have loved you...
no subject
[ Dimitri says with a slight shrug. And certainly there is nowhere else he'd rather be. He still hasn't understood if this is a dream, or nightmare. It feels like both.
He runs his hands down Byleth's back, tugging the other man close to him. He feels a desperate, ignorant, ache, somewhere deep inside him.
He's crying-- shouldn't he be crying? ]
You said you loved me. [ Dimitri isn't sure about the tears that mark his cheeks. He is sure about the way he leans down to kiss Byleth. ] I cannot survive another moment without you. .
no subject
Despite the nighttime chill, his lips are still so warm. ]
I do love you, Dimitri. I do. Don't cry...
[ The kiss would be perfect save that Dimitri's tears roll down his cheeks, and then Byleth's cheeks are wet, too. He softens slightly as he feels the moisture, but instead of wiping his own face, he wipes Dimitri's, the warm touch of his thumbs wicking away all saline. ]
I know. I know. Things have been so hard. But I promise I will be here for you always from now on. I promise.
no subject
He buries his face into Byleth's shoulder, trying to collect himself. He was dignified once. Held himself with pride once. ]
Forgive me. [ Dimitri says softly. ] I forget myself.
[ He is so far from who he used to be. But Byleth makes him think he can be that man again. Maybe. Dimitri inhales a shuddering breath, forces himself to stand upright. ]
I am happy to see you, is what I should have said.
[ Instead of kissing you, instead of loving you, he doesn't add.
no subject
Does he deserve this? Does it matter, truly, what he does or doesn't deserve? Byleth is the one who wants to kiss him. Byleth is the one who wants to hold him. If Dimitri is clinging to him, Byleth is clinging in return.
The warmth of their lips, the heat from his skin. The smell of his hair. All such things that Byleth would die for, if fate were cruel enough to demand that he die for it. ]
I need you. There is nothing to forgive.
[ He slips his fingers into Dimitri's hair, caressing the crown of his head, the nape of his neck. His desire is so palpable. ]
You don't have to say anything to me but what you wish to say.
no subject
He relaxes visibly, his body loosening, his ability to appreciate Byleth increasing with every moment. He no longer feels desperate. Dimitri loosens his grasp on Byleth's clothing, though he doesn't let go entirely.
Stay with me, he thinks, his fingers lightly grasping at the fabric. ]
I feel as though I have dreamed of this. [ He says with a slow exhale. ] I've dreamed of you. And now you're here.
[ He smiles. It's small, so small, but it's real. ]
no subject
But the moment is enough for him, for now. If Dimitri's hands beg him to stay, then he will stay. If Dimitri can relax for even a moment, he's done his duty. He watches the tension ease out of his beautiful prince in slow increments, listens to his deep breaths, feels the loosening of his fingers. He caresses Dimitri's scalp again, fingers running indulgently through his wild mane, kisses his lips again. For all that they have been through, Dimitri's lips still feel soft against his own. ]
I am here. Real and true. And I will never leave you again, Dimitri, I swear it.
[ That smile. That beautiful little smile. For a moment, Byleth sees the young man again, the soft and sweet-eyed prince who had always hung onto his every word. He loved that Dimitri, too. ]
Would you like to sit down on one of the pews, my prince? Would you like to eat something? Or shall I simply continue holding you like this?
no subject
Love, he thinks, as his heart thunders beneath his chest. I love you, and all he worlds might try to tear us apart but---
But I love you. ]
Stop, please. [ He says softly, tugging Byleth close to him. ] I cannot bare your pretending, I need to have you.
no subject
[ A smile tugs at the corner of Byleth's lips, but he doesn't pull away. He continues to let Dimitri cling to him. He smooths the prince's blond hair back, tucks some of it neatly behind his ears.
Then he presses a kiss to Dimitri's neck. More heated this time, more desire in it. ]
...I see. Pretending, am I? [ Kissing, so sweetly, up towards Dimitri's ear. Feather-light, sweet enough to make him shiver. ] Then how will you have me?
no subject
It settles something inside him. Byleth is here, and so am I. ]
Forgive me. [ Dimitri says softly. Byleth's lips find the skin behind his ear, and he shudders. Please, he wants to say. Please never stop. ] I so easily forget myself... these days.
[ There was once a time he knew exactly who he was. Why does that feel so far away? ]
no subject
And yet, Byleth suspects that Dimitri's desire to claim him was real — more real than this soft, obedient shuddering. So he coaxes the collar of Dimitri's shirt open (Sylvain collected his armor for maintenance earlier in the evening). He litters more of Dimitri's neck with kisses. Coyly reaches in and undoes just one of those buttons, and kisses him still lower, along his collarbones. ]
And have you forgotten yourself now?
[ It is a question that he does not expect any particular answer to. Dimitri's neck is warm despite the night air. Byleth lingers near it, reaching up with his hand to stroke the delicate skin over Dimitri's throat.
He is still being very careful. Not rushing a thing. No sudden movements. He can't risk startling the beautiful wild creature that his Dimitri has become. ]
no subject
[ Though even as he says it he curls his fingers into Byleth's back and holds him closer. Please, don't leave me-- some small part of himself whines.
But he truly does want to be his old self. He wants to stand upright with kindness and confidence.
But he's so, so broken.
It almost makes him cry out, and it's only having Byleth to cling to that stops him. Forgive me for not being who I once was. ]
I'm afraid I cannot be the man you deserve.
no subject
The professor shakes his head. ]
But you are the man that I desire. You have always been the only man that I've desired.
[ He wants to keep kissing down Dimitri's neck, but it's hard to read the man's responses when he is so emotionally unmoored, and Byleth is not the sort of man to keep pressing when his lover's thoughts seem elsewhere. His fingers still over Dimitri's throat as he pulls back to look into his prince's blue eye. ]
Dimitri. Do you want me to keep going? [ A patient caress. ] I need to hear this from you.
after a long week i have returned!
Perhaps he is not a monster. Perhaps he is still a man.
Dimitri places a hand over Byleth's on his throat, taking in a slow breath. ]
I do. [ He says, his voice a hoarse whisper. ] It has been so long since I have felt even half myself-- but I do, now.
welcome back!!!
Then he reaches out, kisses Dimitri chastely one more time, and takes his prince by the hand. ]
Alright. Come with me.
[ It is possible that Dimitri will forget himself again in the future. That the confidence that he seems to have tonight will be unfounded when the daylight comes. That Byleth will wake in the morning to find his prince consumed by nightmares and rage once again. He knows all of this, but he has resolved to love Dimitri anyway. It is a terrible thing, to be so deeply and viscerally in love with a man in the throes of madness.
As tempting it would be to make love to Dimitri out in the open, beneath the starry skies above the cathedral... it isn't the most practical thing. It is public. It is exposed. It is cold. Just to the side, however, there are some quarters where the cardinals and priests used to dwell. Byleth picks one at random — it hardly matters which, they have all lain unused for years now — and takes Dimitri into it. ]
In here.
[ A bed, four walls, a dresser. A priest's simple furniture. They should both know what they each want by now, and why they are both here.
Byleth lets go of Dimitri's hand just to kiss him on the neck one more time. ]
...Do you want to sit?